Fear and Loathing at the 2007 Hungarian Porno Oscars

I consider myself a very open-minded entertainment reporter. But the recent Pornó Oszkár 2007 (2007 Porno Oscars) was a strange sort of awards event, by any recognizable standards, even those of the Hungarian porn industry.Unlike in previous years, when the event was held in a swanky, central location, this year’s Oszkárs took place at a non-descript kocsma (beer hall) out in Zugló.

Words fail me: Our correspondent interviews (from top) Nikki Ryder, Monique Couvet, Alexandra, Susan Pearl, and Janet Joy.

But that’s nothing compared to the crowd, both on the stage and off. The show’s co-host was a transsexual and the prize for best director went to the cross-dressing Desiré Dubounet, AKA Professor William Nelson, whom I wasn’t aware even directed porn films. Des took the stage at the end of the night with dangerous brunette Judy Nero, and belted out “Unchain My Heart” as Judy revealed her rather spectacular new augmentations.

There were some family groups in the crowd; pimply adolescent boys with heavy gold chains and cheap suits that Borat wouldn’t wear to lunch with the village rapist. But I guess among a certain social strata, porn really is mainstream family fare in Hungary. Indeed, at one point, a rather momsy looking woman in a white trouser suit took to the stage and accepted the award, I believe, for directing the best S&M movie. A couple of similarly mainstream-sounding pop singers interspersed the prize handouts, though applause for their efforts was desultory at best. More popular were the striptease acts, especially that of Alexandra/Alexa, who had exquisite, cupid’s bow lips and what is typically called an outgoing, “positive” personality.

The performers seemed to fall into two distinct camps; those who do some nude modeling, dancing and the odd bit of soft-core lesbian porn, including the polished and demure Susan Pearl. Then there were those who seem to live to submit to being pounded in every orifice for the delectation of de-socialized geeks, including the dozens of camera-wielding onanists crowding the stage and jostling to get the most gynecological footage possible.

Some of the “acceptance speeches” were delivered in the manner of traditional beauty contests: short, and punctuated by teary sobs. Others were recognizably polished and professional, with the starlets mechanically reciting a litany of film netherworld luminaries as they accepted their awards. Not one but three nominees received “lifetime achievement awards.” That’s a combined on-screen-sex experience of perhaps half-a-century.

Unfortunately, the boys at the processing lab ran off with everything but the offcuts of my interviews, the filthy jack-off swines: So the clip you see here only contains the briefest snippets of, for example, my chats with hardcore starlets Monique Couvet and the raven-haired love contortionist Nikki Ryder. Not that they had much to say. Nikki informed me she had an English teacher waiting at home, thank you, while Monique said she was getting back into the business following the birth of her child. Meanwhile, after locking eyes with Janet Joy for a long, delicious moment, I waltzed over only to discover that the oral accomplishments of the best oral sex scene winner didn’t extend to speaking English, thus handing the local boys the exclusive “interview” in the vid way up top. Suck.

Best Actor: Lauro Giotto
Best Actress: Nikki Rider
Best Director: Desiré Dubounet
Best Gay Director: Adam Webb
Best Film: “Plasztik cicák” (“Plastic Kitties”) / Tom Média
Best Amateur Film: “Szopnék” (“I would like to suck”) / Tom Média
Best Sex Scene: Black Diamond
Lifetime Achievement Award: Alexa
Best Erotic Program: Dóra Mészáros
Best S/M Film: “Painful”/ Ervin Rakonczay (Rdivino)
Best Amateur Actor: Teddy
Best Amateur Actress: Victoria Sweet
Best Scandal Film: Indián
Best Porn Magazine: Tutti Frutti Party
Discovery of the Year: Boroka Balls
Best Oral Sex Scene: Janet Joy
Best Strip Dancer: Susan Pearl
Best Event: Erotika Parádé
Best producer: Ferenc Hopka
Best website: Goldengate.hu
Best Background Work: Zsolt Krakter